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This is totally the motivation I think I need right now. 21 weeks ago I started my own weight loss journey and I am just so tired of it. I want to go back to just eating when I'm hungry and not worrying about calorie count and fat count and carb count and ratios and all the rest of it. I want to just be able to eat without putting so much effort into thinking about it. And I'm so over making a shake. The shakes are still tasty and filling but I don't want to make them anymore. I just want to grab and go. Yes, I could do that but I still have plenty of product at home so there is no point in spending money on something I already have. Once I make it through what I have left then I'll make some changes to the product I use.
Anyway, motivation... I've been doing this so long that it feels like I've forgotten why I decided to do this. And I have been losing and gaining the same 10 pounds for the last month. I had to look over my facebook to see what my totals were because I stopped keeping up with things here like I'm supposed to.
9/18 - 275.4
9/11 - 279.6
8/27 - 277.8
8/20 - 280.6
8/13 - 283.4
8/6 - 280.4
So, next week in class Dr. Nick will share his story and then the week after we'll start breaking up into small support groups and exploring the "7 Pillars of Weight Loss Success" which is just basics for making a lifestyle change. I'm excited. Something and a whole bunch of someone's to keep me accountable and encourage me when I just don't want to do it anymore.
I know my "official" weigh-in day is tomorrow but I still get on my scale every morning. That is how i've actually been yo-yoing for the last month and not steadily losing like the numbers indicate. Anyway, this morning I weighed 271.6. That puts me over the 50 pound mark. I think it's kind of fitting that these two events are going together.
Current Weight 277.8
Weight Lost 44.6 (2.8 this week)
I looked over my journal today and realized I forgot to post last week. I was down to 280.6 from the previous weight of 285.6 after my two weeks of eating. so I'm creeping closer to that 50 pound mark. it's exciting. I'm just kind of blah right now though. This month has dragged by for me so i'm just in that is it over yet kind of mood. I should feel more excited and i'm sure i'll get there but right now I'm just blah.
Current Weight 283.4
Total Weight Lost: 39 pounds (gained 3 pounds this week)
So this was totally all my fault. I totally went overboard and ate pretty much everything in sight. It started as just eating on the weekends when I was at my grandmother's because it is hard to be in a mexican woman's house and convince her that not eating is a good thing. The I went to the beach party and there was fabulous guacamole and sparkle.
By the time Monday came around I said to myself fuck it, I have food in the house. I'm going to eat it. Then Tuesday came around and I had an incredibly bad day that culminated with me yelling at a co-worker in front of clients. So I went to my standby comfort food. Mexican. It seriously may have been the most amazing mexican fast food I've ever had. Mouth actually waters thinking about it but it may have just been the fact that it is my comfort food I don't know. Then Wednesday showed up and I figured I've already screwed my diet six ways to sunday this week, why stop now?
So here I am 3 pounds up. I'm actually surprised it isn't more. I really need to stop sabotaging myself. I had actually gotten on the scale Saturday night and it said 279. I cried I was so happy. For those who haven't been paying attention that is below my lowest weight in memory. It was a big milestone. and then I went and messed it all up.
I know I have fears of being thin. I know I'm boy crazy. Hell, everybody's commented on it at one point or another. I also know that the only reason I show any kind of restraint now (when not drunk obviously) is because I don't think I have a shot because I'm not thin and cute. If I get it into my head that I'm thin and cute there goes that road block. Common sense obviously states that I'm not going to be slutty if I don't want to be. i'm in charge of my own life and just because I lose weight doesn't mean I'm instantly going to be self confident.
Hell, it took me a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY long time to be comfortable in my own skin. To be happy being the fat girl. I mean of course I wasn't HAPPY if I want to change things but I was definitely OK with it. It was how I identified myself. What am I going to do if I don't feel like I have an identity anymore.
I know I went through this though process weeks ago and her I am having it all over again. I just need to get it out of my head. Maybe if I put it out into the universe I will help me deal with it instead of just bottling it up.
Current Weight 280.4
Weight Lost 42 (2.8 this week)
I hurt. In that way that I do when it's that time of the month. I'm grumpy. And hungry. And I don't want to be at work today.
Current Weight: 283.2
Total Weight Lost: 39.2 (2.6 this week)
Went to a support group meeting this week that my Aunt goes to. It was a little weird because they are older than me and think it's funny when I say things like "whorey" and "social retard" but it was a good experience to have. Especially because I don't want to go again. The ladies were very supportive of me and nice but one of them is totally and completely psychotic. We spent a good hour talking to her and trying to get the notion out of her head that she needs a man to validate her. At one point I wanted to grab her and shake her for being completely stupid. I can understand wanting guys to think you're attractive. Heck, I want them to think I'm attractive but that isn't my sole purpose for being alive. It seems to be hers. Ack! Scary!
Anyway, they meet on Tuesday nights every two weeks til the end of September. There's one meeting left before I start school. I'm gonna have to figure out a polite way to beg out but after that it won't be a problem. I'm getting back into my liquid diet forum. I haven't been over there in a few weeks and I can tell it's affecting my motivation. I'm obviously still losing but the convience of having the bars right there to grab and eat instead of having to prepare a shake; well it makes me wish everything was that easy.
Current Weight 285.8
Weight Lost: 36.6 (4.8 this week)
I feel like I am pulling myself out of my doldrums a little bit. They are still there under the surface but I'm really making an effort to try and be more positive. It's helping that I have all 7 seasons of Buffy at my disposal right now. Silly but true. I revelling in the sarcastic butt kicking. :o)
Current Weight: 290.6
Weight Lost: 31.8 (6.6 this week)
So this was one of those weird weeks where I have tremendous loss and I'm not sure why. I didn't do anything too differently than I usually do other than I didn't have to go to my grandmother's so it was a pretty stress free weekend.
I'm hoping this week was just one of those freak things because if I lose like this next week I'm going to have to modify my diet to include some food. I'll wait and see.
I have a bit more on this subject but it'll have to wait til later because work is calling.
Current Weight 297.2
Total Weight Lost: 25.2 (2.4 this week)
Well I managed to salvage the putziness earlier in the week and got back to where I was before I ate the salad of doom. That makes happy. And there's a three day weekend. Andrew's coming down to see me and a crawfish boil (not partaking in anything but the good company) for the 4th. This will be a good weekend. Hopefully when I get back next week I'll be able to finally get out of fingerprints/reception and get settle in my new unit before school starts. This fall is going to be some craziness but I'm looking forward to it.
I’m not even exactly sure what a putz is but I feel like one. So, I went to the doctor yesterday to follow up with my blood work. Everything looks good for the most part. Cholesterol is good, although I could use a little more in the “good cholesterol” side. My “bad cholesterol” isn’t bad. My liver and kidneys are functioning as they should so there’s no worries there. The only thing that is troubling is that my triglycerides are higher than they should be and so is my fasting sugar. So I’m officially “Pre-Diabetic”. A Happy Camper this does not Kristina make. On the plus side, the way to correct the condition and also up my “good cholesterol” is to lose weight and exercise more. I’m already doing both of these things so as long as I stay on track I’ll be fine.
Contributing to my putziness is my choice in dinner last night. We had a girls night complete with chick flicks, ice cream and assorted fattening foods. I knew I wasn’t going to eat the ice cream or other things but I wanted something solid so I stopped by Jack in the box and picked up a salad. I also got some grilled chicken to go with it. The grilled chicken isn’t bad. 180 calories with only 20 calories from fat. Turns out the salad part was the bad idea. I got on the scale this morning and I had gained 1.6 pounds. I kind of freaked out. So I looked things up online and my nice healthy salad totally bit me in the ass. 680 calories and 420 calories from fat. Add that to the chicken and the program shake I had earlier in the day and I consumed nearly 1,100 calories and more fat than I consume in a week. HOLY SHIT!!!!! No wonder I gained 1.6 pounds and feel horrible today. I surprised it isn’t worse!!!
I feel like a total dumbass for not thinking things through and researching BEFORE I chose to eat. For just going a long my merry way and forgetting a key rule about salads. Salads are great. Dressing and toppings are not. This just reinforces to me that I need to stick to plan and not cheat. Even with something “healthy” because what you don’t know can totally hurt you. I don’t want to be diabetic. My whole family is diabetic. I already have my genes to fight against. I need my cravings to help things along. That is all, I’m a putz.
OK, so, made it under the 300 mark. I finally feel like I have really accomplished something. When I get to under 280 I may just pass out. That is the last weight I remember being before now. I remember I was working at Hollywood Video at the time and I was 19 years old. That’s 10 years ago. It’s so bizarre.
Anyway, I decided that once I achieved my first short term goal that I was going to buy myself an ipod shuffle for working out at the gym. So, yay, tomorrow is payday and I’m gonna get one. When I reach my long term goal I’m going to get the purple 16 gig nano that I want. Cause it’s purple and 16 gigs.
I don’t really have much else to say. Life is pretty good. Still hopefully getting out of fingerprinting at work. Need to find a suitable replacement first. It’s proving difficult. Life at home is still fab. We aren’t getting on each other’s nerves. Yay. We are hoping to have our house warming on August 8th. After the craziness of July is over for everyone. But that is still up in the air.
I’m planning on going back to school in the fall. Already have my classes picked out. Just gotta wait until july 17 to actually register. Yay going to mesa and yay working for my degree. Liberal studies. AKA, teacher. I’m excited. Don’t actually want to be a teacher though. I want to get back into Alcohol and Drug Services. But I need a degree to do that. I decided that if I have to spend the next 4 or 5 years in school I might as well study something I will enjoy.
So, that’s it. Everything is peachy.
Current Weight: 299.6
Weight Lost: 22.8 (1.6 this week)
First small term goal met. I get an ipod. More later, gotta run to work.
Well, I left a message for my doctor and a nurse called me back today. Well, I ran down stuff for her and I guess her brain to mouth filter broke because she yelled at me. So, I have an appointment tomorrow to get checked out. The nurse's reaction kind of caught me off guard because people do liquid diets all the time and, yes, it's hard and all the rest of it but I didn't expect such an extreme reaction.
She told me I'll need to bring my product with me so the doctor can look it over. I sat down with it today at lunch and did the math. I told the nurse that I consume around 600 calories a day. After doing the math I realized that I acutally only take in 480 calories a day. Damn. No wonder I've been going crazy. And, it's no wonder I've been seeing such erratic results. At 480 calories my body is actually in starvation mode and it is storing what little nutrition it has been getting. So it is all stuff to talk about with the doctor tomorrow. I'm hoping that she and I can come to a common ground about this diet and I hope that I have done any damage to my internal organs with my own ignorance.
So, if she gives me the ok to stay on the diet I'm going to increase my calorie intake to 800 and MAYBE start adding in an L & G Meal. Which is 2 ounces of lean meat and 2 cups of green veggies with no kind of sauce or dressing. But I'll follow what the doctor says. I just really really hope she doesn't tell me to stop. I know this is working for me and I want to continue, I just can't afford the optifast program.
- Mood:
freaked
Current Weight 301.2
Weight Lost 21.2 (2.2 this week)
I spoke my mind yesterday. I'm still frustrated but it really helped to get that out of my head.
Before I started this diet I never thought about what I ate. If I was hungry, I ate something. By the broad definition I didn't over eat, I didn't stuff myself until I felt sick, I didn't binge eat and I didn't emotionally eat.
Yes, I did all that stuff when I was a teenager, I wouldn't be the size that I am without it. I hit 300 pounds by the time that I was 20 years old and then I ended up at a desk job and gained 15 pounds in 3 years time. I maintained at 315 for 5 years. It's only been since the beginning of this year that the scale climbed that last 8 pounds that I finally decided to try and correct all the damage I'd done to myself when I was younger.
Here I am 6 weeks into a liquid diet and I have never been more obsessive about food in my entire life. It's all I think about. I know I'm not hungry. In fact, I either don't get hungry anymore or I just don't notice it. But the CRAVINGS! Those have hit my like a ton of bricks that are carrying a sledgehammer that have been launched at me from a catapult. I can't drive with my window open because I'm hit with a barrage of smells from the fast food places that line the streets.
All this is where the Crisis of Diet comes in. It would seem all of this self torture would be worth it if I was getting the results that I expected/hoped for but I'm not. At this point I expected to be 30 pounds down, not 20. Anthony put it well when he told me that this is a marathon, not a race but I feel like I'm walking in place instead of moving forward and it's INCREDIBLY frustrating.
I'm not going to quit, I know that this is in my head. I know I need to take this one day at a time and I will eventually see the results that I want. But I guess I need a little pep talk and I need to get the negative thoughts out of my head.
