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not much to report

nothing really going on.  wasn't feeling well yesterday so I took the day off and let my mama bear take care of me.  I was feeling a lot better until about an hour ago.  now I'm just thinking that something I ate this morning didn't agree with me.  Dressed up this morning for work costume contest.  I feel like I kind of half-assed it.  we'll see how much energy I have after work to make something new for rocky tonight.  maybe I'll just go as my regular self and then make something for tomorrow night.  i don't really know.  Started watching Dexter online.  Lizzy turned me on to it.  It's amazing!  I totally want to read the books. There are two of them apparently.  excited!

21 weeks ago

So, Tuesday night I went to the Health Steward Kick-Off night.  It's a class led by a San Diego doctor who lost 270 pounds 8 years ago by doing a liquid diet and going to baseball games.  My aunt gave me his book when she was doing her diet but I didn't read it until after I started my own diet.  The story of his journey was kind of amazing and after I was done reading it I totally wanted to meet him.  But I figured that wouldn't happen because he's all famous-like and I am so not.  But my aunt told me that he leads a 12 week class up in Escondido and it's free so I hopped on the bus after work and got to go. Woot!

This is totally the motivation I think I need right now.  21 weeks ago I started my own weight loss journey and I am just so tired of it.  I want to go back to just eating when I'm hungry and not worrying about calorie count and fat count and carb count and ratios and all the rest of it.  I want to just be able to eat without putting so much effort into thinking about it.  And I'm so over making a shake.  The shakes are still tasty and filling but I don't want to make them anymore.  I just want to grab and go.  Yes, I could do that but I still have plenty of product at home so there is no point in spending money on something I already have.  Once I make it through what I have left then I'll make some changes to the product I use.

Anyway, motivation...  I've been doing this so long that it feels like I've forgotten why I decided to do this.  And I have been losing and gaining the same 10 pounds for the last month.  I had to look over my facebook to see what my totals were because I stopped keeping up with things here like I'm supposed to.

9/18 - 275.4
9/11 - 279.6
8/27 - 277.8
8/20 - 280.6
8/13 - 283.4
8/6 - 280.4

So, next week in class Dr. Nick will share his story and then the week after we'll start breaking up into small support groups and exploring the "7 Pillars of Weight Loss Success" which is just basics for making a lifestyle change.  I'm excited.  Something and a whole bunch of someone's to keep me accountable and encourage me when I just don't want to do it anymore.

I know my "official" weigh-in day is tomorrow but I still get on my scale every morning.  That is how i've actually been yo-yoing for the last month and not steadily losing like the numbers indicate.  Anyway, this morning I weighed 271.6.  That puts me over the 50 pound mark.  I think it's kind of fitting that these two events are going together.

Birthdayness

For any of my friends that aren't on my facebook...I'm not sure if that is actually possible but whatever.  Birthday fun will ensure at Sabbat on September 12.  Hoping to make next year epic because I'll be turning 30.

last week I was 280.6

Starting Weight 322.4
Current Weight 277.8

Weight Lost 44.6 (2.8 this week)

I looked over my journal today and realized I forgot to post last week.  I was down to 280.6 from the previous weight of 285.6 after my two weeks of eating.  so I'm creeping closer to that 50 pound mark.  it's exciting.  I'm just kind of blah right now though.  This month has dragged by for me so i'm just in that is it over yet kind of mood.  I should feel more excited and i'm sure i'll get there but right now I'm just blah.
So I finally just admitted that I need to give up my car.  The poor thing is on it's last legs.  I could probably nurse it along a little longer but I just don't have the money or patience to do so.  So, I'm going to get a bus pass on September 1 and just do it that way for awhile.  Not having to put gas in my car all the time will help a little and I'm planning on opening a savings account with my first september paycheck.  Then I'll set it up so that $50 a paycheck gets automatically deposited into it.  That way when my bankruptcy drops off next August I'll have money for a down payment and hopefully between that and a better credit score I'll be able to swing a car loan.  And if not, oh well.  At least the automatically saving money part will catch me up with all the stuff I have let slide for awhile.  It will be slow going but I know I can fix this.  I just have to work really hard at it.
So I don't know what happened last night but when I got home from my grandmother's house and I just all of a sudden knew I was ready to commit to my diet again 100%.  I pretty much ate for two weeks straight and it just hit me that this isn't going to work like this.  I no longer had that edge of panic at the idea of drinking shakes.  I didn't feel all sullen and pissy about what I was giving up.  I just felt totally at peace.  It was kind of cool.  Of course this morning I feel like my uterus is trying to claw it's way out of my body via my lower back but i'm still all peaceful like about the diet.  I even made myself a shake this morning before leaving the house.  Now to go find drugs.

Aug. 13th, 2009

Starting Weight: 322.4
Current Weight 283.4

Total Weight Lost: 39 pounds (gained 3 pounds this week)

So this was totally all my fault.  I totally went overboard and ate pretty much everything in sight.  It started as just eating on the weekends when I was at my grandmother's because it is hard to be in a mexican woman's house and convince her that not eating is a good thing.  The I went to the beach party and there was fabulous guacamole and sparkle. 

By the time Monday came around I said to myself fuck it, I have food in the house. I'm going to eat it.  Then Tuesday came around and I had an incredibly bad day that culminated with me yelling at a co-worker in front of clients.  So I went to my standby comfort food.  Mexican.  It seriously may have been the most amazing mexican fast food I've ever had.  Mouth actually waters thinking about it but it may have just been the fact that it is my comfort food I don't know.  Then Wednesday showed up and I figured I've already screwed my diet six ways to sunday this week, why stop now?

So here I am 3 pounds up.  I'm actually surprised it isn't more.  I really need to stop sabotaging myself.  I had actually gotten on the scale Saturday night and it said 279.  I cried I was so happy.  For those who haven't been paying attention that is below my lowest weight in memory.  It was a big milestone.  and then I went and messed it all up.

I know I have fears of being thin.  I know I'm boy crazy.  Hell, everybody's commented on it at one point or another.  I also know that the only reason I show any kind of restraint now (when not drunk obviously) is because I don't think I have a shot because I'm not thin and cute.  If I get it into my head that I'm thin and cute there goes that road block.  Common sense obviously states that I'm not going to be slutty if I don't want to be.  i'm in charge of my own life and just because I lose weight doesn't mean I'm instantly going to be self confident.

Hell, it took me a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY long time to be comfortable in my own skin.  To be happy being the fat girl.  I mean of course I wasn't HAPPY if I want to change things but I was definitely OK with it.  It was how I identified myself.  What am I going to do if I don't feel like I have an identity anymore.

I know I went through this though process weeks ago and her I am having it all over again.  I just need to get it out of my head.  Maybe if I put it out into the universe I will help me deal with it instead of just bottling it up.
Starting Weight 322.4
Current Weight 280.4

Weight Lost 42 (2.8 this week)

I hurt.  In that way that I do when it's that time of the month.  I'm grumpy.  And hungry. And I don't want to be at work today.

Week 12

Starting Weight: 322.4
Current Weight: 283.2

Total Weight Lost: 39.2 (2.6 this week)

Went to a support group meeting this week that my Aunt goes to.  It was a little weird because they are older than me and think it's funny when I say things like "whorey" and "social retard"  but it was a good experience to have.  Especially because I don't want to go again.  The ladies were very supportive of me and nice but one of them is totally and completely psychotic.  We spent a good hour talking to her and trying to get the notion out of her head that she needs a man to validate her.  At one point I wanted to grab her and shake her for being completely stupid.  I can understand wanting guys to think you're attractive.  Heck, I want them to think I'm attractive but that isn't my sole purpose for being alive.  It seems to be hers.  Ack! Scary!

Anyway, they meet on Tuesday nights every two weeks til the end of September.  There's one meeting left before I start school.  I'm gonna have to figure out a polite way to beg out but after that it won't be a problem.  I'm getting back into my liquid diet forum.  I haven't been over there in a few weeks and I can tell it's affecting my motivation.  I'm obviously still losing but the convience of having the bars right there to grab and eat instead of having to prepare a shake; well it makes me wish everything was that easy.

What week am I on again?

Starting Weight 322.4
Current Weight 285.8

Weight Lost: 36.6 (4.8 this week)

I feel like I am pulling myself out of my doldrums a little bit.  They are still there under the surface but I'm really making an effort to try and be more positive.  It's helping that I have all 7 seasons of Buffy at my disposal right now.  Silly but true.  I revelling in the sarcastic butt kicking. :o)

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