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Current Weight: 290.6
Weight Lost: 31.8 (6.6 this week)
So this was one of those weird weeks where I have tremendous loss and I'm not sure why. I didn't do anything too differently than I usually do other than I didn't have to go to my grandmother's so it was a pretty stress free weekend.
I'm hoping this week was just one of those freak things because if I lose like this next week I'm going to have to modify my diet to include some food. I'll wait and see.
I have a bit more on this subject but it'll have to wait til later because work is calling.
Current Weight 297.2
Total Weight Lost: 25.2 (2.4 this week)
Well I managed to salvage the putziness earlier in the week and got back to where I was before I ate the salad of doom. That makes happy. And there's a three day weekend. Andrew's coming down to see me and a crawfish boil (not partaking in anything but the good company) for the 4th. This will be a good weekend. Hopefully when I get back next week I'll be able to finally get out of fingerprints/reception and get settle in my new unit before school starts. This fall is going to be some craziness but I'm looking forward to it.
I’m not even exactly sure what a putz is but I feel like one. So, I went to the doctor yesterday to follow up with my blood work. Everything looks good for the most part. Cholesterol is good, although I could use a little more in the “good cholesterol” side. My “bad cholesterol” isn’t bad. My liver and kidneys are functioning as they should so there’s no worries there. The only thing that is troubling is that my triglycerides are higher than they should be and so is my fasting sugar. So I’m officially “Pre-Diabetic”. A Happy Camper this does not Kristina make. On the plus side, the way to correct the condition and also up my “good cholesterol” is to lose weight and exercise more. I’m already doing both of these things so as long as I stay on track I’ll be fine.
Contributing to my putziness is my choice in dinner last night. We had a girls night complete with chick flicks, ice cream and assorted fattening foods. I knew I wasn’t going to eat the ice cream or other things but I wanted something solid so I stopped by Jack in the box and picked up a salad. I also got some grilled chicken to go with it. The grilled chicken isn’t bad. 180 calories with only 20 calories from fat. Turns out the salad part was the bad idea. I got on the scale this morning and I had gained 1.6 pounds. I kind of freaked out. So I looked things up online and my nice healthy salad totally bit me in the ass. 680 calories and 420 calories from fat. Add that to the chicken and the program shake I had earlier in the day and I consumed nearly 1,100 calories and more fat than I consume in a week. HOLY SHIT!!!!! No wonder I gained 1.6 pounds and feel horrible today. I surprised it isn’t worse!!!
I feel like a total dumbass for not thinking things through and researching BEFORE I chose to eat. For just going a long my merry way and forgetting a key rule about salads. Salads are great. Dressing and toppings are not. This just reinforces to me that I need to stick to plan and not cheat. Even with something “healthy” because what you don’t know can totally hurt you. I don’t want to be diabetic. My whole family is diabetic. I already have my genes to fight against. I need my cravings to help things along. That is all, I’m a putz.
OK, so, made it under the 300 mark. I finally feel like I have really accomplished something. When I get to under 280 I may just pass out. That is the last weight I remember being before now. I remember I was working at Hollywood Video at the time and I was 19 years old. That’s 10 years ago. It’s so bizarre.
Anyway, I decided that once I achieved my first short term goal that I was going to buy myself an ipod shuffle for working out at the gym. So, yay, tomorrow is payday and I’m gonna get one. When I reach my long term goal I’m going to get the purple 16 gig nano that I want. Cause it’s purple and 16 gigs.
I don’t really have much else to say. Life is pretty good. Still hopefully getting out of fingerprinting at work. Need to find a suitable replacement first. It’s proving difficult. Life at home is still fab. We aren’t getting on each other’s nerves. Yay. We are hoping to have our house warming on August 8th. After the craziness of July is over for everyone. But that is still up in the air.
I’m planning on going back to school in the fall. Already have my classes picked out. Just gotta wait until july 17 to actually register. Yay going to mesa and yay working for my degree. Liberal studies. AKA, teacher. I’m excited. Don’t actually want to be a teacher though. I want to get back into Alcohol and Drug Services. But I need a degree to do that. I decided that if I have to spend the next 4 or 5 years in school I might as well study something I will enjoy.
So, that’s it. Everything is peachy.
Current Weight: 299.6
Weight Lost: 22.8 (1.6 this week)
First small term goal met. I get an ipod. More later, gotta run to work.
Well, I left a message for my doctor and a nurse called me back today. Well, I ran down stuff for her and I guess her brain to mouth filter broke because she yelled at me. So, I have an appointment tomorrow to get checked out. The nurse's reaction kind of caught me off guard because people do liquid diets all the time and, yes, it's hard and all the rest of it but I didn't expect such an extreme reaction.
She told me I'll need to bring my product with me so the doctor can look it over. I sat down with it today at lunch and did the math. I told the nurse that I consume around 600 calories a day. After doing the math I realized that I acutally only take in 480 calories a day. Damn. No wonder I've been going crazy. And, it's no wonder I've been seeing such erratic results. At 480 calories my body is actually in starvation mode and it is storing what little nutrition it has been getting. So it is all stuff to talk about with the doctor tomorrow. I'm hoping that she and I can come to a common ground about this diet and I hope that I have done any damage to my internal organs with my own ignorance.
So, if she gives me the ok to stay on the diet I'm going to increase my calorie intake to 800 and MAYBE start adding in an L & G Meal. Which is 2 ounces of lean meat and 2 cups of green veggies with no kind of sauce or dressing. But I'll follow what the doctor says. I just really really hope she doesn't tell me to stop. I know this is working for me and I want to continue, I just can't afford the optifast program.
- Mood:
freaked
Current Weight 301.2
Weight Lost 21.2 (2.2 this week)
I spoke my mind yesterday. I'm still frustrated but it really helped to get that out of my head.
Before I started this diet I never thought about what I ate. If I was hungry, I ate something. By the broad definition I didn't over eat, I didn't stuff myself until I felt sick, I didn't binge eat and I didn't emotionally eat.
Yes, I did all that stuff when I was a teenager, I wouldn't be the size that I am without it. I hit 300 pounds by the time that I was 20 years old and then I ended up at a desk job and gained 15 pounds in 3 years time. I maintained at 315 for 5 years. It's only been since the beginning of this year that the scale climbed that last 8 pounds that I finally decided to try and correct all the damage I'd done to myself when I was younger.
Here I am 6 weeks into a liquid diet and I have never been more obsessive about food in my entire life. It's all I think about. I know I'm not hungry. In fact, I either don't get hungry anymore or I just don't notice it. But the CRAVINGS! Those have hit my like a ton of bricks that are carrying a sledgehammer that have been launched at me from a catapult. I can't drive with my window open because I'm hit with a barrage of smells from the fast food places that line the streets.
All this is where the Crisis of Diet comes in. It would seem all of this self torture would be worth it if I was getting the results that I expected/hoped for but I'm not. At this point I expected to be 30 pounds down, not 20. Anthony put it well when he told me that this is a marathon, not a race but I feel like I'm walking in place instead of moving forward and it's INCREDIBLY frustrating.
I'm not going to quit, I know that this is in my head. I know I need to take this one day at a time and I will eventually see the results that I want. But I guess I need a little pep talk and I need to get the negative thoughts out of my head.
Current Weight 303.4
Total Weight Lost 19.0 (6.6 this week)
My first goal is to get down to 300. Followed by 250, 200 and finally 150. It's going to be a really long journey and I know I have stumbled along the way but I finally feel like I'm accomplishing something. It's just so nice, and so frustrating, to have that first goal within my reach.
The only actual problem is my own, financially. I wish I had thought to get my $375 back from the new tennants that moved in with Phil and Jess but I didn't. I could really use that money back but I know they don't have it. Le Sigh. I did talk to my former landlord but she said to get it from them. Oh well, it was worth a shot. After this week I should be fine again and back on track with my financial plans but It still would have been nice.
In other news, got a shout out in the county newsletter about how fabulous I am. It was really neat. Leilani says that I might recieve some time off as a reward but that remains to be seen. It would be awesome if I did. I could actually take almost a whole week off once I get my floating holidays in July. OMG, it would almost be like a vacation hehe.
Speaking of, I would LOVE to take a roadtrip. Head up the coast to wine country and maybe take a detour to Hearst (or is it Hurst) Castle. Happy sigh I know at least one person who would be one board. Just gotta come up with the money and time lol.
Starting Weight 322.4
Current Weight 310.2
Total Weight lost 12.2 (1.0 this week)
A woman on my liquid diet forum brought up an interesting point yesterday. She had donated the clothes she had shrunk out of to a women's shelter. She said that when she got home she cried from the deep sense of loss that she felt. She went on to explain that she felt that she had lost who she previously was because she had identifyed with being fat her entire life. Now that she's no longer fat she feels like she no longer has an identity.
What she said really struck a cord with me because I have a fear that the same thing will happen. A few years ago I was under pressure from a doctor to get gastric bypass. I didn't want to do it. the excuse I gave her was that I didn't want to undergo major surgery. But the truth was that I was afraid that if I lost the weight, I wouldn't be the same person anymore.
I have been been overweight since i was 10. I have been fat since I was about 14. I'm 28 now. It took me a long time to be comfortable in my own skin. I've made the jokes and stuff and if you had asked me anytime previous to now if I was happy with myself, I would have said I was content. I had made myself this body and I felt I was stuck with it so I loved what I had. Now i'm changing that and I know I sabatoge my weight loss. I sabatoge it because I'm scared of becoming unidentifiable. I'm not sure how to overcome that yet but I'm working on it now that I recognize it.
Current Weight: 311.2
Total Weight Lost: 11.2 (1.8 this week)
I refer to this past weekend as the Lost Weekend. I kinda went a little crazy between my cousin's wedding and my other cousin's BBQ. I had lots of veggies but I also had a burger and a hot dog and some crackers with salsa/cream cheese dip and some mini cream puffs and mac and cheese balls. Totally delicious but I felt horribly guilty afterwards. So, went to the gym on Tuesday and biked 6 miles. Went last night and biked another 5.5 and then benched a little with Lizzy. I'm back to being a good girl and am sticking to my diet. I'm glad I still managed to lose a little this week but the yummy food wasn't worth the stress.
Current Weight 313.0
Loss this week: 4.8 lbs.
I joined the gym yesterday. I'll have my first workout on Friday. I would go tonight but I have therapy and I have to go see my mom. But, I am so excited. I have my eye on the Turbo Kick Box class, I got to see part of it on my tour yesterday and it looks AMAZING!!!! I'm totally going to have to work up to it but it was nice to see the class 30 minutes in and see an old guy and a fat chick both in there. Yes, they weren't quite as fluid or as fast but they were in there holding their own and that's encouraging. Well, off to work.
He loves to sleep on my shoulders.
We were being lazy on Saturday.
Yes, he fell asleep like that. He's gonna be a big boy one day!!!
So, I came into work today to find a pamphlet on my desk entitled "are you at risk for diabetes?" Hi. I know I'm fat. I don't need you to point it out to me. Plus, according to your little pamphlet, I'm not actually at risk for diabetes. I don't have high blood pressure, I'm not 65 or older and I don't have a parent or sibling with the disease. Not to mention a bunch of other stuff in there that I DON'T have.
Yes, there is a bag of chips and a package of cookies on my desk. BFD! That's the first bag of chips I've bought in months. I can't actually tell you the last time I bought some. Cookies, even longer than that. Both items were left overs from Talisman with Ken and Terrie. I eat an english muffin for breakfast at work and usually some kind sandwich for lunch. Not that it matters because it's no one's business what I eat but my own.
I can undersand the sentiment of "they just care about your health" but pull me aside or something. Don't just leave some pamphlet on my desk. GRRRR! Yes, I have a family history of diabetes. My grandmother and 3 of her children have it. But, my mother isn't one of them. And my dad's side doesn't have it either. They have heart disease and my mom's side has crazy and addiction. Worry about me getting those things. Not diabetes. Hell, my doctor hasn't even brought that one up. Just a need to lose weight. Blood work and stuff is all otherwise fine. I'm just fat! GET OVER IT!
- Mood:
annoyed
This was always my favorite picture with Buffy. I'm sad he's gone for my own selfish reasons but I'm glad he's no longer in pain. I love you Kevin. Hugs...
- Location:home
- Mood:
sad
